A Chicken Shit Bad Actor

I got to work early today, and the conditions were perfect for stepping into the boss's office and dropping the bomb.

But I just couldn't do it.

My hands got all sweaty, and my heart was pounding and I was worried I might do something awful like cry or something. This has become an issue of acting ability (of which I am not certain, but I believe I have none), which means I am so totally screwed. It's so easy to just send a resignation letter or make a phone call saying you can't come in for the day - but stepping into the office, shutting the door, taking a seat across from the big desk and staring into the eyes of the man who's going to likely be devastated at the news of your impending career change is quite a different thing.

Plus, I have to act like this was a spur-of-the-moment thing, like I just got an acceptance letter yesterday and it's an opportunity I just can't pass up. That's a big ol' lie, folks, and we all know how bad I am at lying. So, I'm trying to convince myself that the lie is the truth. I'm getting into character, if you will. I should show up on the day that I tell him not afraid or guilt-ridden but excited, as if my life is about to change and the last thing I'm worried about is my job here. I can get into that scenario, right? Easy enough. It's just hard enough waking up late most days, heading into work and dealing with the bus ride and the long walk through the CBD, only to find I'm still 15 minutes late and the day has already started, getting bombarded with all the crap I have to deal with that day - all of that, every day, and withOUT the stage fright that I suffer when I think about telling him I'm quitting.

Stupid thing is I know he'll be happy for me. Sure, he'll be disappointed, which is what I'm most dreading, but he's going to be so nice about it, the way he is about everything. God, it kills me. I'm such an idiot.

Worst thing is I can't figure out why this is bothering me so much. I guess it's the way I deal with things on my obligatory "to do" list. It's an issue of patience, mostly. If I try to get something done, or if I spend a lot of time thinking about getting something done but having to wait for the proper time to do it, and then if that time gets here and I can't just get it over with, for whatever reason, it makes me all squirmy. I'm just not a very patient person, I've come to realize. I should treat this like ripping off a bandaid and just do it.

I'm thinking Monday is THE DAY. It'll give me the weekend to prepare, get it right in my head, rehearse in front of the mirror (hey! don't give me any grief - you know all you acting ppl do it too). God, I'm just a chicken shit bad actor.