I did it. It's over. It was pretty much painless, but my hands are still shaking. I've really got to get a hold on this anxiety business. I was taking deep breaths all morning to prepare myself for what I had to do.
The boss was (of course) kind and understanding, saying he understands what an opportunity this is and that I have to take it. He was visibly nervous. I think he was worried that I was putting in my two-weeks' notice, which would mean that he would be up shit creek during the upcoming trial. So, there was relief in his eyes that he has me until March, and this eases my mind.
I even told two of my co-workers. They were really excited for me. It's really happening now. Officially. Oh...my...GAWD.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Chicken Shit Bad Actor
I got to work early today, and the conditions were perfect for stepping into the boss's office and dropping the bomb.
But I just couldn't do it.
My hands got all sweaty, and my heart was pounding and I was worried I might do something awful like cry or something. This has become an issue of acting ability (of which I am not certain, but I believe I have none), which means I am so totally screwed. It's so easy to just send a resignation letter or make a phone call saying you can't come in for the day - but stepping into the office, shutting the door, taking a seat across from the big desk and staring into the eyes of the man who's going to likely be devastated at the news of your impending career change is quite a different thing.
Plus, I have to act like this was a spur-of-the-moment thing, like I just got an acceptance letter yesterday and it's an opportunity I just can't pass up. That's a big ol' lie, folks, and we all know how bad I am at lying. So, I'm trying to convince myself that the lie is the truth. I'm getting into character, if you will. I should show up on the day that I tell him not afraid or guilt-ridden but excited, as if my life is about to change and the last thing I'm worried about is my job here. I can get into that scenario, right? Easy enough. It's just hard enough waking up late most days, heading into work and dealing with the bus ride and the long walk through the CBD, only to find I'm still 15 minutes late and the day has already started, getting bombarded with all the crap I have to deal with that day - all of that, every day, and withOUT the stage fright that I suffer when I think about telling him I'm quitting.
Stupid thing is I know he'll be happy for me. Sure, he'll be disappointed, which is what I'm most dreading, but he's going to be so nice about it, the way he is about everything. God, it kills me. I'm such an idiot.
Worst thing is I can't figure out why this is bothering me so much. I guess it's the way I deal with things on my obligatory "to do" list. It's an issue of patience, mostly. If I try to get something done, or if I spend a lot of time thinking about getting something done but having to wait for the proper time to do it, and then if that time gets here and I can't just get it over with, for whatever reason, it makes me all squirmy. I'm just not a very patient person, I've come to realize. I should treat this like ripping off a bandaid and just do it.
I'm thinking Monday is THE DAY. It'll give me the weekend to prepare, get it right in my head, rehearse in front of the mirror (hey! don't give me any grief - you know all you acting ppl do it too). God, I'm just a chicken shit bad actor.
But I just couldn't do it.
My hands got all sweaty, and my heart was pounding and I was worried I might do something awful like cry or something. This has become an issue of acting ability (of which I am not certain, but I believe I have none), which means I am so totally screwed. It's so easy to just send a resignation letter or make a phone call saying you can't come in for the day - but stepping into the office, shutting the door, taking a seat across from the big desk and staring into the eyes of the man who's going to likely be devastated at the news of your impending career change is quite a different thing.
Plus, I have to act like this was a spur-of-the-moment thing, like I just got an acceptance letter yesterday and it's an opportunity I just can't pass up. That's a big ol' lie, folks, and we all know how bad I am at lying. So, I'm trying to convince myself that the lie is the truth. I'm getting into character, if you will. I should show up on the day that I tell him not afraid or guilt-ridden but excited, as if my life is about to change and the last thing I'm worried about is my job here. I can get into that scenario, right? Easy enough. It's just hard enough waking up late most days, heading into work and dealing with the bus ride and the long walk through the CBD, only to find I'm still 15 minutes late and the day has already started, getting bombarded with all the crap I have to deal with that day - all of that, every day, and withOUT the stage fright that I suffer when I think about telling him I'm quitting.
Stupid thing is I know he'll be happy for me. Sure, he'll be disappointed, which is what I'm most dreading, but he's going to be so nice about it, the way he is about everything. God, it kills me. I'm such an idiot.
Worst thing is I can't figure out why this is bothering me so much. I guess it's the way I deal with things on my obligatory "to do" list. It's an issue of patience, mostly. If I try to get something done, or if I spend a lot of time thinking about getting something done but having to wait for the proper time to do it, and then if that time gets here and I can't just get it over with, for whatever reason, it makes me all squirmy. I'm just not a very patient person, I've come to realize. I should treat this like ripping off a bandaid and just do it.
I'm thinking Monday is THE DAY. It'll give me the weekend to prepare, get it right in my head, rehearse in front of the mirror (hey! don't give me any grief - you know all you acting ppl do it too). God, I'm just a chicken shit bad actor.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Freddy, you're saved!!
It's officially un-official, but I believe I now have not one but TWO options for someone to keep my Freddy-Fuzzy-Stuff. Hooray!!! I feel so good it's like nothing else matters, but of course that's not true. Money (of course) still matters, so rounding up the last bits of medical records to deliver to Geico is the #1 priority. Settle! Settle! Settle!!
In other news, I have an eye exam scheduled for Saturday - can you believe I found the ONE provider on my entire insurance plan who operates on a Saturday, and they're only 2 blocks down the road from me?!? What luck! Also, I'm getting two fillings next Tuesday. The appointment is at 1:00pm, but I think they may have to give me the gas before I will let them anywhere near my mouth with those needles - the last time I went through this, they hit a nerve in my jaw, and the time before that, the needle broke in my frickin' mouth and blood was shooting all over the place. So, anyway, I'm wondering whether work after that will even have a point - I might mistakenly start filing my trial exhibits into the shredder, some subconscious evil playing itself out or something, and that would be no good indeed. So after those two lovely dates, I only have to visit the OB/GYN and my allergist, and voila! I will be in tip-top shape for a Spanish adventure.
It has occurred to me recently while re-reading my own blog (yes, I am that self-involved) that this whole thing might sound really stupid. Like, why do I feel the need to tell everyone about all the minutia of my planning efforts and try to make it sound sooo interesting, as if anyone cares? Not that this is going to stop me from doing it [see above diatribe on the stages of my planning phase], but I just want to impart that if any of you dear readers are bored with all of this crap, please don't let this dissuade you from my future postings - the ones I'll actually be writing when I'm IN Spain, for chrissakes. I promise my life will be a lot more interesting - well, let's hope it is anyway - or at least more interesting to read about.
There.
On a side note, I had a very weird dream last night. There was a strange man in it who was fixing the tire of my (dream) car, and he wrote me a ticket for something ridiculous like eating ice cream or something. It was one of those dreams where I was like, "Hang on...this is really bizarre. What in the world am I dreaming about THIS for??" Anyway, sorry I can't give you more, but if more of it comes back, I'll let you know.
In other news, I have an eye exam scheduled for Saturday - can you believe I found the ONE provider on my entire insurance plan who operates on a Saturday, and they're only 2 blocks down the road from me?!? What luck! Also, I'm getting two fillings next Tuesday. The appointment is at 1:00pm, but I think they may have to give me the gas before I will let them anywhere near my mouth with those needles - the last time I went through this, they hit a nerve in my jaw, and the time before that, the needle broke in my frickin' mouth and blood was shooting all over the place. So, anyway, I'm wondering whether work after that will even have a point - I might mistakenly start filing my trial exhibits into the shredder, some subconscious evil playing itself out or something, and that would be no good indeed. So after those two lovely dates, I only have to visit the OB/GYN and my allergist, and voila! I will be in tip-top shape for a Spanish adventure.
It has occurred to me recently while re-reading my own blog (yes, I am that self-involved) that this whole thing might sound really stupid. Like, why do I feel the need to tell everyone about all the minutia of my planning efforts and try to make it sound sooo interesting, as if anyone cares? Not that this is going to stop me from doing it [see above diatribe on the stages of my planning phase], but I just want to impart that if any of you dear readers are bored with all of this crap, please don't let this dissuade you from my future postings - the ones I'll actually be writing when I'm IN Spain, for chrissakes. I promise my life will be a lot more interesting - well, let's hope it is anyway - or at least more interesting to read about.
There.
On a side note, I had a very weird dream last night. There was a strange man in it who was fixing the tire of my (dream) car, and he wrote me a ticket for something ridiculous like eating ice cream or something. It was one of those dreams where I was like, "Hang on...this is really bizarre. What in the world am I dreaming about THIS for??" Anyway, sorry I can't give you more, but if more of it comes back, I'll let you know.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Holy Moly
Alright, a new blog is in order due to the increasing mess of CHAOS that 2008 has brought along with it.
As for the timeline of things to accomplish before March 7, 2008 - when I leave for Houston, TX to fly to Spain on March 10 - I appear to be in good shape. I got my apartment rented, all is clear with the landlord, and I am set to be out of there by March 7. I saw the dentist and should have decent teeth and gums to chew with while I am in Spain. I also completed treatment with the orthopedist at Tulane, so I should be clear to settle my claim with Geico once all of my medical bills and records come in. I'm fiddling with trying to get those as soon as possible, as the majority of my near future is resting on whether or not I have money to LIVE on in Spain for at least two months (it's looking iffy without the settlement, folks). I just filed my 2007 taxes, and I should get at least $724 in refund for both Federal and State taxes - yippee!
So, all of that aside, there has been a SHITSTORM at the office since the New Year. One of the partners at my law firm decided to dissolve the partnership, retroactive as of December 31, 2007. Since my boss is neither a partner nor an associate (he's somewhere in between), he has the choice to continue business with one or the other partner. The day we found out about the dissolution, he pulled me into the office to ask if I was willing to go with him, wherever that may be. I said of course, I work for YOU, not the firm, as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, long-story-short, while I was dealing with that mess, my boss's major current case which was originally set for trial on January 7 keeps getting bumped further and further into 2008. I was waiting for him to (hopefully) win that trial, or at least get it over with, so that I could drop the bomb about Granada. Well, it seems fate has other plans, as the trial is now starting the week of Mardi Gras, which will be an official 1-month and counting from the date of my departure. I'm worried that if I tell him I'm leaving in less than 2 months, it will fuck up his head before the trial and ruin his life (dramatized for effect). To top it off, he calls me into the office today to tell me he's reached a decision about which partner he wants to continue to work with, and he asks me whether I still want to go with him or not. I say, again, of COURSE I'll go with you. And the guilt-trip-o'meter soars.
I guess my issues with the whole thing are tied into the fact that I really do respect and enjoy working with my boss - he took a shot on me when he hired me with little experience, and it's rare to find someone willing to do that in the business world. Also, he's just a swell guy, very polite and understanding, patient as I learn new things, and direct and clear when giving instructions. Plus, he's representing me as my de-facto "attorney" in my Geico settlement, so I think about that too. I just feel bad, is all. Now that he's decided to move with the other partner, he's talking all these ideas about how things will improve, how I'm going to have my own office (finally!!), how we'll be making more money and hopefully holding on to a lot more. Part of me wants to make this move with him! Part of me regrets what I might miss. Am I insane?!? I'm worried about a measly legal assistant job even though I'm moving to Spain?! MY Spain! The experience I've talked about non-stop since I graduated college in 2004, thinking for so long there was no way in hell I'd be able to ever make it happen!!
I need to have my head examined. Seriously. I'll add that to my to-do list for before I leave. Shit.
As for the timeline of things to accomplish before March 7, 2008 - when I leave for Houston, TX to fly to Spain on March 10 - I appear to be in good shape. I got my apartment rented, all is clear with the landlord, and I am set to be out of there by March 7. I saw the dentist and should have decent teeth and gums to chew with while I am in Spain. I also completed treatment with the orthopedist at Tulane, so I should be clear to settle my claim with Geico once all of my medical bills and records come in. I'm fiddling with trying to get those as soon as possible, as the majority of my near future is resting on whether or not I have money to LIVE on in Spain for at least two months (it's looking iffy without the settlement, folks). I just filed my 2007 taxes, and I should get at least $724 in refund for both Federal and State taxes - yippee!
So, all of that aside, there has been a SHITSTORM at the office since the New Year. One of the partners at my law firm decided to dissolve the partnership, retroactive as of December 31, 2007. Since my boss is neither a partner nor an associate (he's somewhere in between), he has the choice to continue business with one or the other partner. The day we found out about the dissolution, he pulled me into the office to ask if I was willing to go with him, wherever that may be. I said of course, I work for YOU, not the firm, as far as I am concerned.
Anyway, long-story-short, while I was dealing with that mess, my boss's major current case which was originally set for trial on January 7 keeps getting bumped further and further into 2008. I was waiting for him to (hopefully) win that trial, or at least get it over with, so that I could drop the bomb about Granada. Well, it seems fate has other plans, as the trial is now starting the week of Mardi Gras, which will be an official 1-month and counting from the date of my departure. I'm worried that if I tell him I'm leaving in less than 2 months, it will fuck up his head before the trial and ruin his life (dramatized for effect)
I guess my issues with the whole thing are tied into the fact that I really do respect and enjoy working with my boss - he took a shot on me when he hired me with little experience, and it's rare to find someone willing to do that in the business world. Also, he's just a swell guy, very polite and understanding, patient as I learn new things, and direct and clear when giving instructions. Plus, he's representing me as my de-facto "attorney" in my Geico settlement, so I think about that too. I just feel bad, is all. Now that he's decided to move with the other partner, he's talking all these ideas about how things will improve, how I'm going to have my own office (finally!!), how we'll be making more money and hopefully holding on to a lot more. Part of me wants to make this move with him! Part of me regrets what I might miss. Am I insane?!? I'm worried about a measly legal assistant job even though I'm moving to Spain?! MY Spain! The experience I've talked about non-stop since I graduated college in 2004, thinking for so long there was no way in hell I'd be able to ever make it happen!!
I need to have my head examined. Seriously. I'll add that to my to-do list for before I leave. Shit.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Can I get a "Amen!"?!?
I just went to google image and typed in "I'm Done!" and this is what it brought me. Check out the cat in the front! He is not well pleased.
Apartment, SOLD! Last orthopaedic visit, DONE. Dentist visit, LOOMING. Storage unit, RESERVED. Yesterday, I paid the whopping $2,000+ in remaining fees and accommodation costs to ViaLingua, so now that, too is finished.
!!!!
Yippy skippy. Yes, I just said that. Or typed it. "Yippy skippy" is one of those phrases that I personally feel is just so overpoweringly marvelous that it becomes really obnoxious after too much use, but in this particular scenario, on this particular day of all days, it feels incredibly appropriate. And here I go, throwing in an invective infix and an exclamation mark for good measure: Yippy Damn Skippy!
Now, in addition to the impending doom of my dentist visit (in case you didn't know it, I'm turrrified of the obligatory dentist), I must deal with the heartbreaking chore of finding someone to keep my beloved Freddykins. Every spare "lovin" moment that I get to spend with him (and those of you who know this quirky feline know what ritual is entailed by "lovin") and I think about leaving him behind, I get a big ol' lump in my throat and my knees feel a bit week and I just don't feel quite right in the tummy. All this is tripled by the idea that I might have to leave him with someone untrustworthy or irresponsible or downright mean. The thought seriously makes me sick that he would suffer even a single day because of my selfish desire to see a foreign land and spread my love of language. Is this what parents go through over their snotty little kids?? It must be. After all, Freddy pukes a lot and does tend to claw up my good bed skirt - yet I love him still! At any rate, I do hope that I find someone reliable to watch over my sweet kitty.
In other news, I finally put away some reticent anger I was feeling towards a certain relative of mine who shall remain nameless, and I'm flooded with relief. I couldn't sleep last night around midnight because the words to a letter I wanted to write this person were running through my mind, and I was too afraid I would forget them by the time I woke up the next day. So, I sat up at 12:30am and typed out about 300 words or so, and come to find out this morning, I don't even have her email address or myspace page. Go figure. Now I'm left with this perfectly satisfying summation of all that I want to say to this person and literally nowhere to put it. I suppose I could always just stick it in the mailbox, old-skool style. Maybe I'll do that, to get it out of my hands and off of my mind.
I can't wait for the weekend. Holla.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The home stretch.
Yes, sir. This is it. The holidays are over, it is 2008, and this week marks an official TWO MONTHS and counting. I could not possibly be more likely to pee my pants at any given mention of my impending move to Granada.
For my own sanity, and at the risk of boring readers to death, I am going to list the tasks which I still must accomplish by March 7, 2008:
4. Rent a storage unit/move belongings to a storage unit (1st week of March/last week of Feb.)
5. Tell employer I am leaving!
6. Doctor Appointments: Dentist, Gyno, Allergist, Orthopedist, Optical (new glasses)
7. Settle Auto-insurance Claim with Geico (hopefully for a decent amount)
8. Make a list of what to pack
9. Buy a webcam and make sure it works with Ian's webcam (also download and test Skype)
10. To buy: webcam, laptop sleeve/case, goretex shoes for hiking, bed roll/sleeping bag, luggage lock, toiletry/cosmetics case
11. Study/read TEFL book from cover to cover to prepare for course
12. Research:
a. health insurance
b. traveler's insurance
c. money exchange and foreign banking
13. Detail-plan my 2-week backpacking trip with Matt (taking place before the CTEFL course) - emphasis on BUDGET!
Now, I suppose one might consider these things perfectly do-able within a 2-month time frame. However, I am feeling quite overwhelmed by every little detail PLUS the tiny increments of time and effort that each little detail requires. I also have caught the infamous "winter cold," which is absolutely miserable, but I seem to be reaching the light end of the tunnel, so hopefully I will gain a healthy momentum in these next few days and knock out some of these major tasks.
For the record, I just made a dentist and an orthopedist appointment for next week (!!!). After the orthopedist visit, I can call up Geico and try to harass the adjuster into a quick settlement. At this point, I just want to have the thing over and done with. So, at least this blog has helped me to accomplish those things!
Er, sorry to put you through all that : /
For my own sanity, and at the risk of boring readers to death, I am going to list the tasks which I still must accomplish by March 7, 2008:
1. Pay ViaLingua final course fees and accommodation fees (having difficulty with the money wiring system)
2. Find a 6-month home for Freddy
3. Take pictures and put up a Craigslist ad to find a new tenant for my apartment4. Rent a storage unit/move belongings to a storage unit (1st week of March/last week of Feb.)
5. Tell employer I am leaving!
6. Doctor Appointments: Dentist, Gyno, Allergist, Orthopedist, Optical (new glasses)
7. Settle Auto-insurance Claim with Geico (hopefully for a decent amount)
8. Make a list of what to pack
9. Buy a webcam and make sure it works with Ian's webcam (also download and test Skype)
10. To buy: webcam, laptop sleeve/case, goretex shoes for hiking, bed roll/sleeping bag, luggage lock, toiletry/cosmetics case
11. Study/read TEFL book from cover to cover to prepare for course
12. Research:
a. health insurance
b. traveler's insurance
c. money exchange and foreign banking
13. Detail-plan my 2-week backpacking trip with Matt (taking place before the CTEFL course) - emphasis on BUDGET!
Now, I suppose one might consider these things perfectly do-able within a 2-month time frame. However, I am feeling quite overwhelmed by every little detail PLUS the tiny increments of time and effort that each little detail requires. I also have caught the infamous "winter cold," which is absolutely miserable, but I seem to be reaching the light end of the tunnel, so hopefully I will gain a healthy momentum in these next few days and knock out some of these major tasks.
For the record, I just made a dentist and an orthopedist appointment for next week (!!!). After the orthopedist visit, I can call up Geico and try to harass the adjuster into a quick settlement. At this point, I just want to have the thing over and done with. So, at least this blog has helped me to accomplish those things!
Er, sorry to put you through all that : /
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