I´m planning my first trip home to the US of A in over 2 years (less than 2 weeks away)! I´ve been on auto-pilot while lots of stuff has been changing and going on (the end of the academic year, the booking of my flight, the finding of summer work, the starting of summer work and a completely different work schedule, two two-week-long visits from out of towners who don´t speak Spanish OR English, the World Cup, etc etc etc...), and I´m just now realizing how soon I´ll be home. (This of course means I´m just now starting to get freaked out about it.) I´m nervous and don´t really know why. I´m worried I´ll get bored, or gain 15 pounds, or there´ll be a hurricane and I´ll have to evacuate for my whole trip. I´m worried everyone´s lives will have changed so much and I´ll feel guilty for not being there. These are somewhat valid although irrational fears, but instead of letting them take over, I´m going into happiness overdrive and focusing on all the great stuff I´m gonna be doing in just 10 days!!
Having been asked many times in the past month what I want to do when I get home, I hadn´t had time to really think about it and I´ve just told people, "Ehhh, relax and see everybody, I guess." Today is the first time in over 3 weeks that I´ve had to myself and I miraculously have the energy to think about and try to plan my upcoming trip. Turns out, come to think of it, I´ve got quite a lot of stuff to accomplish in just two weeks - almost all of it revolving around FOOD (big surprise from a New Orleanian, eh? NOT).
I´ve started creating an official list of what I want to do in the States/at home, and I was thinking it´d be funny to post what I have to far. This list says a lot about what I miss back at home, about food for which there is absolutely no comparison in Spain. It also says a lot about how unhealthy my favorite New Orleans food is, jaja!
Of course included in my food tour is visiting absolutely everyone that I can since who knows when I´ll get to come back. I´ll need to get creative and incorporate visits and food since I´ve only got 2 weeks...omg, I´m gonna gain 20 pounds!!
Anyway, here´s my list of food I want to eat and stuff I want to bring back to Spain, for your viewing pleasure! What I´ve been missing for almost two years:
Eats & Drinks USA:
Eat Out:
Mushroom & Swiss Burger - Cooter Brown´s
Fried Chicken - Popeye´s
Fried Crawfish po-boy - Domilese´s
Boiled crawfish (probably not possible)
Oysters and crawfish etouffe - Acme
Chinese - Fong´s in Metairie
Thai - Sukho Thai on Royal St.
Eat In:
Fried fish and bbq shrimp - Matt´s house
Lasagña - Gramzie´s house
Gumbo - my Mawmaw´s house
Pizza - anywhere (pizza sucks in Spain!)
Drink:
Mochasippi at CC´s Coffee
Snowball at Audubon Park
Pointsettia at Mimi´s in the Marigny
Hand-grenade in the FQ
Hurricane at Pat-O´s
Thai bubble-tea anywhere
Shopping USA:
Stuff:
Vintage clothes
Okra seeds
DVDs from the dollar bin at Wal-Mart
Frisbee
Food:
Dr. Pepper
Kool-Aid watermelon-cherry mix
Abita beer
Tony´s
Liquid smoke
Curry paste
Hand-made tortillas
Mac-n-cheese
Classic Goldfish crackers
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Keep On the Sunny Side
I feel too much like a whining retard to admit this, but I think I´m getting bored in Spain. Things are humming along this Spring quite nicely, I have nothing to complain about, and yet somehow I´m full of unrest. My mind races at night when I´m trying to sleep, about things I must get done before the summer gets here, about activities I´d like to start up, about what this summer is actually going to be like once I get everything finalized.
Lots of things are up in the air (i.e. my summer work, my summer trip to the U.S., my next academic year...wherever (most likely in Granada)), but that makes this Spring no different from any other since I´ve started teaching EFL. I think the problem is more on the relationship front than I´m willing to admit.
Since moving in together, things with P* have been good...and bad. Ups and Downs, right? Isn´t that what it´s always like? The first few weeks I was in homemaking bliss, happy to discover that my cleanliness and his, though they are thankfully both quite high-standard, are also complementary - I care about where things go, everything in its place, while he actually cares about dust and dirt and streaks on the glass/mirrors. I was happy thinking we were in near-perfect balance with housekeeping, when suddenly one night P* exploded on me without warning. He´d come home from work tired, and because I hadn´t started cooking dinner yet when he arrived, he threw himself into doing it while giving me the cold shoulder. When I got up the guts to ask what was wrong, it came to light that he didn´t think I was cleaning enough! Can you imagine?! ME!!! This was the first time in my life anyone had EVER found fault with me not cleaning enough. (In case you don´t know me very well, I´m quite well-known for being a cleaning control freak and thus a pain in the ass to live with, for most people.) I´ve clearly made too much progress in letting go of my cleanliness control, something I´ve been working on since moving to Spain.
Anyway, after about 2 hrs of struggling to understand one another, I gave up and fled outside to the terrace, where I dropped into a fit of sobbing, gut-wrenching tears more intense that any in a long, long time. I felt like a failure. I felt like all the hopes I´d been building up for my new life here, for this new relationship, this new living situation...all of it is ridiculous and pointless if I keep making mistakes without realizing it. And that´s what this argument was - a list of things that P* had piled up all week long, things that I was doing wrong or simply not doing. I felt like the typical man in the argument, while P* was playing the typical woman - pummelling me with a long list he´d unfairly been storing up. I had to explain to him - I can´t avoid doing something he doesn´t like, or do things that he does like, if he doesn´t TELL ME he wants me to (not) do them! I´m not an effing mind reader! And he was frustrated too, the whole ¨I shouldn´t have to TELL you what I want! I ¨just want you to think about ME and just be considerate!¨And then I´m thinking, ¨Yeah, YOUR idea of what a considerate person is must be different from my idea. That´s why you have to COMMUNICATE!¨ Oh god, and it went on and on like that for another couple of hours, and we didn´t really make any progress.
The whole time I was crying, I kept thinking about the dream I´d had the night before - it was about my ex-b/f, I*. It was the first time in a loooong time I´d dreamt about him, and I wasn´t sure why I had. In the heat of the argument, I realized why: maybe it´s residual guilt feelings from the way that relationship ended, but I´m starting to see myself in this relationship with P*, except I´m seeing me as I*, and P* as me. I feel like all of a sudden I can understand a lot of the things I* used to complain about, the way he used to react when I got upset - he always tried to please me, to do what he thought I wanted, but most of the time I was never very clear about what I wanted and I expected him to somehow just sense, or magically know, what I wanted. Looking back, I wasn´t very fair during these arguments. It was my failure to communicate what I wanted, not his inability to give me what I wanted, that was the problem. I had this epiphany during my crying spell on the terrace, and I wanted to vomit from feeling so guilty. Karma is a bitch, eh? At least the realization of all this helped me to communicate to P*, as if I was talking to myself. I think he learned a bit about me, and maybe I figured some stuff out. It ended well, at least.
Of course there have been lots of other arguments since we moved in together in March, but none so mind-fucking as that one. I think we´ve more or less recovered, but the future will always bring further challenges - many of which to me feel like looming storm clouds which will inevitably burst when I´m not paying attention. But of course that´s only today´s perspective. Tomorrow´s forecast is sunny; gotta hope for the best, eh?
Lots of things are up in the air (i.e. my summer work, my summer trip to the U.S., my next academic year...wherever (most likely in Granada)), but that makes this Spring no different from any other since I´ve started teaching EFL. I think the problem is more on the relationship front than I´m willing to admit.
Since moving in together, things with P* have been good...and bad. Ups and Downs, right? Isn´t that what it´s always like? The first few weeks I was in homemaking bliss, happy to discover that my cleanliness and his, though they are thankfully both quite high-standard, are also complementary - I care about where things go, everything in its place, while he actually cares about dust and dirt and streaks on the glass/mirrors. I was happy thinking we were in near-perfect balance with housekeeping, when suddenly one night P* exploded on me without warning. He´d come home from work tired, and because I hadn´t started cooking dinner yet when he arrived, he threw himself into doing it while giving me the cold shoulder. When I got up the guts to ask what was wrong, it came to light that he didn´t think I was cleaning enough! Can you imagine?! ME!!! This was the first time in my life anyone had EVER found fault with me not cleaning enough. (In case you don´t know me very well, I´m quite well-known for being a cleaning control freak and thus a pain in the ass to live with, for most people.) I´ve clearly made too much progress in letting go of my cleanliness control, something I´ve been working on since moving to Spain.
Anyway, after about 2 hrs of struggling to understand one another, I gave up and fled outside to the terrace, where I dropped into a fit of sobbing, gut-wrenching tears more intense that any in a long, long time. I felt like a failure. I felt like all the hopes I´d been building up for my new life here, for this new relationship, this new living situation...all of it is ridiculous and pointless if I keep making mistakes without realizing it. And that´s what this argument was - a list of things that P* had piled up all week long, things that I was doing wrong or simply not doing. I felt like the typical man in the argument, while P* was playing the typical woman - pummelling me with a long list he´d unfairly been storing up. I had to explain to him - I can´t avoid doing something he doesn´t like, or do things that he does like, if he doesn´t TELL ME he wants me to (not) do them! I´m not an effing mind reader! And he was frustrated too, the whole ¨I shouldn´t have to TELL you what I want! I ¨just want you to think about ME and just be considerate!¨And then I´m thinking, ¨Yeah, YOUR idea of what a considerate person is must be different from my idea. That´s why you have to COMMUNICATE!¨ Oh god, and it went on and on like that for another couple of hours, and we didn´t really make any progress.
The whole time I was crying, I kept thinking about the dream I´d had the night before - it was about my ex-b/f, I*. It was the first time in a loooong time I´d dreamt about him, and I wasn´t sure why I had. In the heat of the argument, I realized why: maybe it´s residual guilt feelings from the way that relationship ended, but I´m starting to see myself in this relationship with P*, except I´m seeing me as I*, and P* as me. I feel like all of a sudden I can understand a lot of the things I* used to complain about, the way he used to react when I got upset - he always tried to please me, to do what he thought I wanted, but most of the time I was never very clear about what I wanted and I expected him to somehow just sense, or magically know, what I wanted. Looking back, I wasn´t very fair during these arguments. It was my failure to communicate what I wanted, not his inability to give me what I wanted, that was the problem. I had this epiphany during my crying spell on the terrace, and I wanted to vomit from feeling so guilty. Karma is a bitch, eh? At least the realization of all this helped me to communicate to P*, as if I was talking to myself. I think he learned a bit about me, and maybe I figured some stuff out. It ended well, at least.
Of course there have been lots of other arguments since we moved in together in March, but none so mind-fucking as that one. I think we´ve more or less recovered, but the future will always bring further challenges - many of which to me feel like looming storm clouds which will inevitably burst when I´m not paying attention. But of course that´s only today´s perspective. Tomorrow´s forecast is sunny; gotta hope for the best, eh?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Holy Enchilada
February flew by, and there's little to mention other than my unfortunate laptop incident. We were watching something on P*'s computer while my laptop nearby was downloading something, and in one swift move, wherein I was intending to be slick and romantically ease my boyfriend into a horizontal position, I knocked the laptop off the bed and it landed gently on its side, on the floor. I picked it up and the only thing wrong was that end of the adapter cable was bent where it plugs into the laptop. I straightened it manually and re-booted. Strange flashes appeared on the screen, and I started freaking out. I bought a new adapter on ebay and waited for it to arrive. In the meanwhile, I did what I shouldn't have and tried to find ways to rig the broken adapter cord into working - I stuck it into the power source as firmly as possible and propped it up for as long as it would last. Then the new adapter arrived, and when I plugged it in, everything worked fine. Except...the keyboard wouldn't allow me to type more than one letter without rebooting. So I sent it off to be inspected, and the problem was small, just a lack of power for the screen to function, which the new adapter took care of. Except the guy wasn't able to find the mechanical problem connected with the keyboard malfuntion. And the mouse pad doesn't work either. Great. So now I'll probably buy an external Spanish keyboard and use it until I get enough money scraped together for a new computer. NOT a good thing for my savings plan.
Other than that technical dificulty, this Spring has been good. The weather is absolute shit - rain, hard winds and cold, cold, cold all the time. 2012 is coming. (Since the film, Spanish ppl say this a lot: "Viene el dos-mil-doce!"). But somehow keeping myself so busy with work, and also with my recent move into a new apartment, I don't dwell too much on the lack of sun. The new apartment came as a surprise - P* was looking for single studios when he got notice that he had to move out before March 1st, and he came upon a 2-brm attic apartment just 20 meters from my house. There are two bedrooms, two terraces (one communal, shaded, with a view of the Alhambra and Sierra Nevadas, the other private and uncovered), a big salon, and tiny but functional kitchen and teeny bathroom. We're having a party this weekend to warm the new piso, plus it's my birthday :) It's weird to think of myself as 28, and to think this Wednesday also marks my 2-yr anniversary of living in Spain. Time is a weird thing.
Anyway, not much else to report. I'm cold.
Other than that technical dificulty, this Spring has been good. The weather is absolute shit - rain, hard winds and cold, cold, cold all the time. 2012 is coming. (Since the film, Spanish ppl say this a lot: "Viene el dos-mil-doce!"). But somehow keeping myself so busy with work, and also with my recent move into a new apartment, I don't dwell too much on the lack of sun. The new apartment came as a surprise - P* was looking for single studios when he got notice that he had to move out before March 1st, and he came upon a 2-brm attic apartment just 20 meters from my house. There are two bedrooms, two terraces (one communal, shaded, with a view of the Alhambra and Sierra Nevadas, the other private and uncovered), a big salon, and tiny but functional kitchen and teeny bathroom. We're having a party this weekend to warm the new piso, plus it's my birthday :) It's weird to think of myself as 28, and to think this Wednesday also marks my 2-yr anniversary of living in Spain. Time is a weird thing.
Anyway, not much else to report. I'm cold.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
As the (Personal) World Turns...
Outside of work, the personal life has also brought new challenges. I spent last weekend up in Prado Negro, a pueblo in the mountains above Granada. We went hiking about 8 km up above the house where our friends live - through piles and piles of beautiful, glistening snow. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that it was the first time I'd seen that much snow EVER in my LIFE (about mid-thigh-deep). I made a snow angel and got bathed in the obligatory "snow virgin snowball fight" before we climbed down a freakishly steep cliff to cross over a waterfall (the only reason we were able to get across is it was covered in snow...which was also what made it very dangerous and difficult).
Walking all that way, on a continuous incline no less, I became emotionally introspective despite the 5 friends happily chattering all around me (mostly in French, which might have contributed a bit too). I had a sort of epiphany about myself and physical challenges: I don't like to be on display at these times. Parts of the climb were...not difficult, but not necessarily things I was prepared to do when we left the warm comfort of the house that morning. In my mind, we were 6 friends out to leisurely explore the snow and breathe a bit of fresh air - not climb tediously over jagged rocks and prickly plants all afternoon for the sake of "sport." Because I didn't have a clear idea of what we would be doing (I probably should have guessed, based on the super professional outdoor/athletic gear our friend Rosa changed into before we left), I was unpleasantly surprised each time Rosa and her b/f Sylvain directed us further away from their house, up, up, and up the mountain over muddy, ice-covered patches of land that were nearly impossible to pass through with my pseudo-sporty New Balances (the only athletic shoe I own here in Spain) [side-note: everyone else in our walking party was wearing Merrill-type hiking shoes or boots, most of them water-proof, while I returned with freezing-cold, sopping-wet feet up to my mid-calves]. Anyway, there were moments of the day when I felt quite on-display about my lack of enthusiasm to get past the mountain's obstacles, and quite singled-out as the misfit in our group, and I worried that these people would see me as unadventurous or non-athletic. So I stayed quiet and focused on my balance when the terrain got slippery, I kept up my breathing instead of talking the whole way, and in doing this, I think I (unavoidably) pissed off my b/f just a bit.
Later, I thought about a story of my American friend M*, whose Spanish b/f is really outdoorsy and likes to go hiking and trampling through the woods and stuff. M* and I come from the same basic city background, where it's just not normal to go out in the nature and hang around (no electricity? then what's there to DO out there??). We have that in common, but we differ in terms of athletic experience: though I never really liked hanging out in the woods, I've always been relatively athletic in terms of extra-curricular activities; however, M* has never gotten into sports, based on her personal interests and tastes, and while that's different from my experience, I can totally get it - my philosophy is basically that physical effort for the sake of physical effort is DUMB (i.e. wasting hours at the gym) - if you incorporate a healthy amount of physical activity into your daily life, or do fun things that are mildly physical, this is a much better way to stay healthy and fit (hello?! dropping 7 pants sizes simply by walking instead of driving!).
Anyway, M* told me once about a day she went "walking" up in Jaen with her b/f and some of his friends. The "walk" turned out to be a hike, and there was a rather treacherous rope-bridge to cross, too. She broke down and cried a lot of the way, and her b/f was disturbed and confused and irritated at this behavior, and they had a big fight in the end. In retrospect, she realized the problem was she wasn't properly informed of what they would be doing, not to mention this type of thing isn't something she's done very often in her life, and most problematic was that her disgraceful reaction to this new experience was being witnessed by others who found the activity easy and fun (including the man whose opinion is most important to her). After the hike this weekend, I identify a lot with M*'s story, and remembering it helped me to cut myself some slack here. I used this story to explain my odd behavior to my b/f afterwards, and I think maybe he gets it now: yes, I like challenges and trying new things, and of course I'm open to different ideas of what's "fun," but I'm still allowed to get a little emotional (read: frustrated, caught off-guard, reluctant…) during new experiences, and it's not exactly easy to go through all that in front of people you barely know.
When we got back to the house, we drank tea and sat in the sun to dry out our feet, and we ate a tasty lunch and chilled out as the sun went down. It wasn’t the perfect snowy mountain climb, but it was my first, and I can rest easy knowing the next time I do it, I’ll know what to expect and be able to enjoy it a lot more. I’ll post pics of my first real snow day when I get them uploaded J
Walking all that way, on a continuous incline no less, I became emotionally introspective despite the 5 friends happily chattering all around me (mostly in French, which might have contributed a bit too). I had a sort of epiphany about myself and physical challenges: I don't like to be on display at these times. Parts of the climb were...not difficult, but not necessarily things I was prepared to do when we left the warm comfort of the house that morning. In my mind, we were 6 friends out to leisurely explore the snow and breathe a bit of fresh air - not climb tediously over jagged rocks and prickly plants all afternoon for the sake of "sport." Because I didn't have a clear idea of what we would be doing (I probably should have guessed, based on the super professional outdoor/athletic gear our friend Rosa changed into before we left), I was unpleasantly surprised each time Rosa and her b/f Sylvain directed us further away from their house, up, up, and up the mountain over muddy, ice-covered patches of land that were nearly impossible to pass through with my pseudo-sporty New Balances (the only athletic shoe I own here in Spain) [side-note: everyone else in our walking party was wearing Merrill-type hiking shoes or boots, most of them water-proof, while I returned with freezing-cold, sopping-wet feet up to my mid-calves]. Anyway, there were moments of the day when I felt quite on-display about my lack of enthusiasm to get past the mountain's obstacles, and quite singled-out as the misfit in our group, and I worried that these people would see me as unadventurous or non-athletic. So I stayed quiet and focused on my balance when the terrain got slippery, I kept up my breathing instead of talking the whole way, and in doing this, I think I (unavoidably) pissed off my b/f just a bit.
Later, I thought about a story of my American friend M*, whose Spanish b/f is really outdoorsy and likes to go hiking and trampling through the woods and stuff. M* and I come from the same basic city background, where it's just not normal to go out in the nature and hang around (no electricity? then what's there to DO out there??). We have that in common, but we differ in terms of athletic experience: though I never really liked hanging out in the woods, I've always been relatively athletic in terms of extra-curricular activities; however, M* has never gotten into sports, based on her personal interests and tastes, and while that's different from my experience, I can totally get it - my philosophy is basically that physical effort for the sake of physical effort is DUMB (i.e. wasting hours at the gym) - if you incorporate a healthy amount of physical activity into your daily life, or do fun things that are mildly physical, this is a much better way to stay healthy and fit (hello?! dropping 7 pants sizes simply by walking instead of driving!).
Anyway, M* told me once about a day she went "walking" up in Jaen with her b/f and some of his friends. The "walk" turned out to be a hike, and there was a rather treacherous rope-bridge to cross, too. She broke down and cried a lot of the way, and her b/f was disturbed and confused and irritated at this behavior, and they had a big fight in the end. In retrospect, she realized the problem was she wasn't properly informed of what they would be doing, not to mention this type of thing isn't something she's done very often in her life, and most problematic was that her disgraceful reaction to this new experience was being witnessed by others who found the activity easy and fun (including the man whose opinion is most important to her). After the hike this weekend, I identify a lot with M*'s story, and remembering it helped me to cut myself some slack here. I used this story to explain my odd behavior to my b/f afterwards, and I think maybe he gets it now: yes, I like challenges and trying new things, and of course I'm open to different ideas of what's "fun," but I'm still allowed to get a little emotional (read: frustrated, caught off-guard, reluctant…) during new experiences, and it's not exactly easy to go through all that in front of people you barely know.
When we got back to the house, we drank tea and sat in the sun to dry out our feet, and we ate a tasty lunch and chilled out as the sun went down. It wasn’t the perfect snowy mountain climb, but it was my first, and I can rest easy knowing the next time I do it, I’ll know what to expect and be able to enjoy it a lot more. I’ll post pics of my first real snow day when I get them uploaded J
As the TEFL World Turns...
Things have been...well, pretty great lately. I'm working an all-time BIG number of hours a week for me (28.5...the average number of hours per week for a TEFL teacher is around 25). And while the busy schedule doesn't leave much time for essential activities (eating lunch, for example), my American nature of "work work work" allows me to cope remarkably well. It's like what everyone says: give me just one important task to complete in a day, and I somehow won't find the energy to get it done; give me twenty, and I'll knock them all out, one-by-one, and still have time to cook and eat a nice dinner. It feels good to be productive, and I'm learning little tricks like preparing an energy-packed lunch to take with me before I leave the house on days when I don't have any breaks between classes [side-note: 3 days a week now, I'm teaching for 7 hours straight, with not even 5 minutes between each class to stop and pee or wolf down an apple]. The plus side is that time flies by on class days, and payday is SWEET :)
The increase in my teaching hours comes from one or two classes that I picked up from a teacher that left our academy last semester, plus two others which represent milestones for me: private classes taught OUTSIDE of established English schools. I was really nervous, for some reason, when one of these students first approached me about classes at his apartment. My mind raced with questions: is it a good idea to have class in the student's home (especially when the student is an adult male)? is there any way I might get screwed here (in terms of getting paid in full and on time)? am I going to burn bridges here with the two academies that I feel unexplainably loyal to? In the end, I went with my gut and arranged these two classes privately with the students, and they're going SO well! Not only do I receive 50% more money for teaching these classes (I don't have to give a "cut" of the profits to an academy), but the students pay me less than they would pay an official English academy - everybody wins, and I think my private students appreciate my time and efforts more than the students I teach in schools.
Around the time that all this was getting started (about a month ago, over the Christmas holidays), I coincidentally talked with a friend and former teacher at my main academy who's now running his own "school" - which basically means he's got his own business cards and teaches all in-house, private classes, exactly what I'm doing with the 2 students now. Apparently, he's got so many students wanting classes, he's outsourcing now and "hiring" other teachers to manage the overflow. A light bulb went off in my head as he passed me his card: this is what good, smart TEFL teachers do - they run their own "mini-business". But don't get me wrong here - I'm glad that these past two years I've spent my time working within the system, "paying my dues" as a relatively inexperienced TEFL teacher. I've learned a lot from putting in my time in the established schools, but next year I think I'll be ready to start downsizing the hours I put in at academies and accepting "independent" teaching ventures as often as possible. Especially when you consider the fact that my salary is 50% less per hour at the academies, PLUS the fact that without an official contract there I'm losing money that would cover my healthcare and citizenship costs, it just doesn't make cents or sense to keep shoveling TEFL manure in the schools.
Professionally, 2010 is looking good ;)
The increase in my teaching hours comes from one or two classes that I picked up from a teacher that left our academy last semester, plus two others which represent milestones for me: private classes taught OUTSIDE of established English schools. I was really nervous, for some reason, when one of these students first approached me about classes at his apartment. My mind raced with questions: is it a good idea to have class in the student's home (especially when the student is an adult male)? is there any way I might get screwed here (in terms of getting paid in full and on time)? am I going to burn bridges here with the two academies that I feel unexplainably loyal to? In the end, I went with my gut and arranged these two classes privately with the students, and they're going SO well! Not only do I receive 50% more money for teaching these classes (I don't have to give a "cut" of the profits to an academy), but the students pay me less than they would pay an official English academy - everybody wins, and I think my private students appreciate my time and efforts more than the students I teach in schools.
Around the time that all this was getting started (about a month ago, over the Christmas holidays), I coincidentally talked with a friend and former teacher at my main academy who's now running his own "school" - which basically means he's got his own business cards and teaches all in-house, private classes, exactly what I'm doing with the 2 students now. Apparently, he's got so many students wanting classes, he's outsourcing now and "hiring" other teachers to manage the overflow. A light bulb went off in my head as he passed me his card: this is what good, smart TEFL teachers do - they run their own "mini-business". But don't get me wrong here - I'm glad that these past two years I've spent my time working within the system, "paying my dues" as a relatively inexperienced TEFL teacher. I've learned a lot from putting in my time in the established schools, but next year I think I'll be ready to start downsizing the hours I put in at academies and accepting "independent" teaching ventures as often as possible. Especially when you consider the fact that my salary is 50% less per hour at the academies, PLUS the fact that without an official contract there I'm losing money that would cover my healthcare and citizenship costs, it just doesn't make cents or sense to keep shoveling TEFL manure in the schools.
Professionally, 2010 is looking good ;)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Today is Now Tomorrow
I’m watching The Day After Tomorrow at the moment (don’t judge - we’re all worthy of a little Hollywood trash cinema once in a while), and it’s making me think about who I’d want to be with if the world froze over. [Interesting side note/middle-of-the-moment realization: I taught the Second Conditional today J ]. If I could fit every person I care about onto one huge platform, it’d be a pretty big platform [OMG, I can’t stop!].
The question becomes more difficult if you limit it to one or two people. I mean - do you choose the obvious (your lover/mate/companion/whatever), or do you choose your kids (or if, like me, you don’t have kids, your parents)? Love or family? Family or love? Which is more important for your long-term happiness? Oddly enough, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I think I’ve chosen love, at the sacrifice of having my family so far away as to be almost non-existent in my life sometimes. I get caught up in moments when I wonder why this has happened (why I’ve let this happen), and whether it’s not going to cause some huge conflict in the long run, my love life somehow in turmoil because I’m out of touch with my kin.
On a related yet positive note, this is partly what led to my resolution to pick up the phone more, and I’m happy to report that I’ve talked to three family members and friends back in the States in the past week, plus seen (in person!) and visited with three best friends in Granada, plus had some great conversations with work mates. Hoo-ray for talky times J
This has been a really difficult week, picking up the old work routine at a runner’s pace, and I’ve felt more stressed and anxious than ever, but the social activity is really helping my mental state. I feel optimistic about most things, and I’m looking forward to seeing how some of my students perform on their exams this semester. I started this week with 4 new classes (1 group of young teens and 3 individual students) , which had me in fits trying to figure out my new planning schedule, but now that it’s over, I really enjoyed all of them. There are only 3 teenagers in the group class, and despite my reservations about teaching group kid classes, they’re actually quite charming in their awkward prepubescent way. Each of them has a really distinct personality, and I get a kick out of watching them interact. And they’re certainly not scary anymore, which is a milestone for me. I think that workshop on Classroom Management at the TEFL conference in Seville really changed my perspective on kids/teen classes. I’ve somehow figured out that they’re just little robots in a way - all you have to do is keep their attention so they don’t get bored, and that’s easy enough to learn how to do once you know what they’re into, which is just a matter of picking from a grab bag of popular media/entertainment. After that, give them “treats” like they're little puppies, and they’ll roll over and (try to) speak good English for you as long as you want them to - or as long as your class lasts! It feels good to have conquered my fear, most of all.
I was really worried about one of my new private classes with an adult student (it’s my first class done outside of an academy, so I want it to go well and possibly lead to more students), and though I had a directions snafu while finding his house (I left them at home!), the lesson went really well and I learned a lot about the student in just an hour and a half - he‘s a really careful learner, even meticulous. It was great because I think I identify a lot with this guy - his embarrassment is extreme when he makes a mistake, and I can see the wheels turning as he files the moment away so as not to repeat the error. I imagine that I have the exact same look on my face when I’m speaking Spanish. I want so hard to get it not just ok, but perfect! It will be interesting to teach a fellow perfectionist. I feel like I have more than just language teaching for this one - I also have a lot of advice (does that sound overbearing?).
It’s the end of the world in the movie now, everything’s frozen and it’s making me feel cold. And I’ve got to turn off my gas heater so I don’t die in my sleep. Suck, suck, suck.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Realizations and Resolutions
Lately I’ve had trouble sleeping. It started innocently enough, due to a series of ear/nose/throat infections that made it difficult to breathe, and thus to get my much-needed shut-eye. But the holidays this year brought more than the usual rest and relaxation for this TEFL teacher. My 2.5 weeks off gave my body plenty of time to repair and heal, but it’s as if all the physical symptoms of illness suddenly became psychosomatic and moved up into my brain. I’ve spent almost every night of this holiday season tossing and turning in bed, my mind filled with questions and uncertainties about the upcoming year and what it has in store for me.
Perhaps the most pressing of these questions and uncertainties for me is “Where will I be living next year? Still in Granada, or another city in Spain perhaps? Or am I finally ready to start a new chapter in Mexico and South America?” The answer to these question is rooted in other questions - the possibility of my TEFL academy getting me a work visa so that I can live in Spain/Europe legally and not have to pinch and save every dime for when I have health problems, or conversely, if they refuse to apply for my visa, will they give me a pay raise so that I can fund my healthcare on my own? In order to manage this “problem,” I’ve presented the idea to the owner of the academy, and time will tell what his decision is. There’s nothing more to do than to wait - easier said than done, of course.
Tied to the decision of what country to live in is the fact that now I’ve invested a huge percentage of myself in a romantic relationship with a European citizen. As to whether that will all end in tears and heartbreak, again, waiting is all I can do. Meanwhile, my doubts about the future hover over me like the storm clouds above Granada that never seem to go away. I find myself in moments of panic, without any explanation as to why I feel so anxious, and I’m beginning to “pull out” emotionally because I’m not sure what all my relationship efforts are worth if they won’t (geographically) withstand the test of time.
These are the two most important factors in my sleeplessness, and also in my relationship strife. Typically, I take these types of “mental crises” in stride, my ration combating with the dangerous emotional overflow that often comes in cycles for women. I use my scientist’s ability to reason, and I (over)analyze all the self-doubt and insecurity that drives me to sometimes make bad decisions in the heat of the moment with my partner. Trouble is, my partner has become my one and only confidant.
I know enough about myself from relationship experiences in the past to know that this is a pattern for me - if I’m content in a romantic relationship, most other friendships become less important to me and I start to put all of my eggs in one basket, so-to-speak. This is natural for me, but that’s not to say isn’t toxic at the same time (though I’ve read that this is ‘normal’ for a lot of people, the adage after all says, “DON‘T put all your eggs in one basket.”). Lately, I’ve noticed my partner’s face as I begin to think out loud, laying my troubles on the table, looking for empathy. I haven’t decided yet if the look on his face in these moments is one of confusion, frustration, or discomfort, but my guess is it’s a combination of the three, and when I see it I instantly feel nauseous. When I note this look, my instinct is to shut up and stop seeking his advice because I know he wants to run for the door, which then leaves me pent-up with emotional overflow that nevertheless will find some way to exert itself in our daily interactions with one another.
In recognizing how damaging it can be to rely on just one person for all your emotional needs, I’ve realized there’s only so much your partner can do for you. For me, this usually requires just an active ear and open mind, mainly to listen, and only to offer me advice when/if I ask for it. But the tendency when I start talking about my worries and insecurities is for my partner to try to solve whatever problems there may be by giving simple suggestions as to what I should do to manage them. Innocent enough intentions, of course, but something in me just boils over when I hear those words: “You should do X.” or “You need to Y.” I want to scream, “Of course I should do that! I’m not an idiot, I know how to take care of this stuff, I’m not asking you to fix it for me!” Truth is, there’s a very thin and delicate balance between offering suggestions to someone (what I don’t want at these times) and saying whatever needs to be said to calm my worries and make me realize I’m strong enough to overcome my problems (of which the exact words are often difficult to define, even for me). I think the distinction between these two is easier for women to discern, and I’m learning to be patient in these moments and realize that in those harmless suggestions my partner really is trying his best to be empathic - his intentions are good, so there’s really no need to get defensive. I think he’s learning too, in baby steps, how to be empathic without seeming domineering.
I don’t consider myself a particularly emotional, albeit sensitive, person, and in every problem I come up against I always look for the most rational solution possible. In the grand scheme of things, the main solution is to WAIT. And to manage all the secondary “seedling” problems, I need to nurture my friendships outside of my romantic relationship more. Obviously, it puts unnecessary and overwhelming pressure on a relationship if each person doesn’t have more than the one outlet for emotional sound-boarding. I’ve got to take initiative this year in picking up the phone, investing in more social activities despite the stress they might impose on my work life. After all, the main thing I embrace about my new life in Spain is the fact that life isn’t all “work, work, work.” People here know when to leave the job at the door and focus on what’s really important - the people in your life and the things you love to do. I guess the American in me still struggles with that, and probably always will.
So, while I don’t expect my insomnia to go away overnight, I’m hoping that in acknowledging some of the negative things I’ve been doing on “auto-pilot” in 2009, I can take action now to repair whatever damage they’ve caused and use new ambition to start making positive changes. Above all, I have to believe in me and in the probability that things will work out in the end. I’ve waited months and even years in the past for things that I wanted to happen; what’s another few?
That said, you can likely expect a call from me sooner or later - if you’re in the States, it’ll be to catch up, and if you’re in Spain, it’ll be to go for coffee or tapas one day soon. You’re all on my radar; I hope this resolution sticks.
Perhaps the most pressing of these questions and uncertainties for me is “Where will I be living next year? Still in Granada, or another city in Spain perhaps? Or am I finally ready to start a new chapter in Mexico and South America?” The answer to these question is rooted in other questions - the possibility of my TEFL academy getting me a work visa so that I can live in Spain/Europe legally and not have to pinch and save every dime for when I have health problems, or conversely, if they refuse to apply for my visa, will they give me a pay raise so that I can fund my healthcare on my own? In order to manage this “problem,” I’ve presented the idea to the owner of the academy, and time will tell what his decision is. There’s nothing more to do than to wait - easier said than done, of course.
Tied to the decision of what country to live in is the fact that now I’ve invested a huge percentage of myself in a romantic relationship with a European citizen. As to whether that will all end in tears and heartbreak, again, waiting is all I can do. Meanwhile, my doubts about the future hover over me like the storm clouds above Granada that never seem to go away. I find myself in moments of panic, without any explanation as to why I feel so anxious, and I’m beginning to “pull out” emotionally because I’m not sure what all my relationship efforts are worth if they won’t (geographically) withstand the test of time.
These are the two most important factors in my sleeplessness, and also in my relationship strife. Typically, I take these types of “mental crises” in stride, my ration combating with the dangerous emotional overflow that often comes in cycles for women. I use my scientist’s ability to reason, and I (over)analyze all the self-doubt and insecurity that drives me to sometimes make bad decisions in the heat of the moment with my partner. Trouble is, my partner has become my one and only confidant.
I know enough about myself from relationship experiences in the past to know that this is a pattern for me - if I’m content in a romantic relationship, most other friendships become less important to me and I start to put all of my eggs in one basket, so-to-speak. This is natural for me, but that’s not to say isn’t toxic at the same time (though I’ve read that this is ‘normal’ for a lot of people, the adage after all says, “DON‘T put all your eggs in one basket.”). Lately, I’ve noticed my partner’s face as I begin to think out loud, laying my troubles on the table, looking for empathy. I haven’t decided yet if the look on his face in these moments is one of confusion, frustration, or discomfort, but my guess is it’s a combination of the three, and when I see it I instantly feel nauseous. When I note this look, my instinct is to shut up and stop seeking his advice because I know he wants to run for the door, which then leaves me pent-up with emotional overflow that nevertheless will find some way to exert itself in our daily interactions with one another.
In recognizing how damaging it can be to rely on just one person for all your emotional needs, I’ve realized there’s only so much your partner can do for you. For me, this usually requires just an active ear and open mind, mainly to listen, and only to offer me advice when/if I ask for it. But the tendency when I start talking about my worries and insecurities is for my partner to try to solve whatever problems there may be by giving simple suggestions as to what I should do to manage them. Innocent enough intentions, of course, but something in me just boils over when I hear those words: “You should do X.” or “You need to Y.” I want to scream, “Of course I should do that! I’m not an idiot, I know how to take care of this stuff, I’m not asking you to fix it for me!” Truth is, there’s a very thin and delicate balance between offering suggestions to someone (what I don’t want at these times) and saying whatever needs to be said to calm my worries and make me realize I’m strong enough to overcome my problems (of which the exact words are often difficult to define, even for me). I think the distinction between these two is easier for women to discern, and I’m learning to be patient in these moments and realize that in those harmless suggestions my partner really is trying his best to be empathic - his intentions are good, so there’s really no need to get defensive. I think he’s learning too, in baby steps, how to be empathic without seeming domineering.
I don’t consider myself a particularly emotional, albeit sensitive, person, and in every problem I come up against I always look for the most rational solution possible. In the grand scheme of things, the main solution is to WAIT. And to manage all the secondary “seedling” problems, I need to nurture my friendships outside of my romantic relationship more. Obviously, it puts unnecessary and overwhelming pressure on a relationship if each person doesn’t have more than the one outlet for emotional sound-boarding. I’ve got to take initiative this year in picking up the phone, investing in more social activities despite the stress they might impose on my work life. After all, the main thing I embrace about my new life in Spain is the fact that life isn’t all “work, work, work.” People here know when to leave the job at the door and focus on what’s really important - the people in your life and the things you love to do. I guess the American in me still struggles with that, and probably always will.
So, while I don’t expect my insomnia to go away overnight, I’m hoping that in acknowledging some of the negative things I’ve been doing on “auto-pilot” in 2009, I can take action now to repair whatever damage they’ve caused and use new ambition to start making positive changes. Above all, I have to believe in me and in the probability that things will work out in the end. I’ve waited months and even years in the past for things that I wanted to happen; what’s another few?
That said, you can likely expect a call from me sooner or later - if you’re in the States, it’ll be to catch up, and if you’re in Spain, it’ll be to go for coffee or tapas one day soon. You’re all on my radar; I hope this resolution sticks.
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