Today is Now Tomorrow

I’m watching The Day After Tomorrow at the moment (don’t judge - we’re all worthy of a little Hollywood trash cinema once in a while), and it’s making me think about who I’d want to be with if the world froze over. [Interesting side note/middle-of-the-moment realization: I taught the Second Conditional today J ]. If I could fit every person I care about onto one huge platform, it’d be a pretty big platform [OMG, I can’t stop!].

The question becomes more difficult if you limit it to one or two people. I mean - do you choose the obvious (your lover/mate/companion/whatever), or do you choose your kids (or if, like me, you don’t have kids, your parents)? Love or family? Family or love? Which is more important for your long-term happiness? Oddly enough, this is something I’ve been struggling with for a while. I think I’ve chosen love, at the sacrifice of having my family so far away as to be almost non-existent in my life sometimes. I get caught up in moments when I wonder why this has happened (why I’ve let this happen), and whether it’s not going to cause some huge conflict in the long run, my love life somehow in turmoil because I’m out of touch with my kin.

On a related yet positive note, this is partly what led to my resolution to pick up the phone more, and I’m happy to report that I’ve talked to three family members and friends back in the States in the past week, plus seen (in person!) and visited with three best friends in Granada, plus had some great conversations with work mates. Hoo-ray for talky times J

This has been a really difficult week, picking up the old work routine at a runner’s pace, and I’ve felt more stressed and anxious than ever, but the social activity is really helping my mental state. I feel optimistic about most things, and I’m looking forward to seeing how some of my students perform on their exams this semester. I started this week with 4 new classes (1 group of young teens and 3 individual students) , which had me in fits trying to figure out my new planning schedule, but now that it’s over, I really enjoyed all of them. There are only 3 teenagers in the group class, and despite my reservations about teaching group kid classes, they’re actually quite charming in their awkward prepubescent way. Each of them has a really distinct personality, and I get a kick out of watching them interact. And they’re certainly not scary anymore, which is a milestone for me. I think that workshop on Classroom Management at the TEFL conference in Seville really changed my perspective on kids/teen classes. I’ve somehow figured out that they’re just little robots in a way - all you have to do is keep their attention so they don’t get bored, and that’s easy enough to learn how to do once you know what they’re into, which is just a matter of picking from a grab bag of popular media/entertainment. After that, give them “treats” like they're little puppies, and they’ll roll over and (try to) speak good English for you as long as you want them to - or as long as your class lasts! It feels good to have conquered my fear, most of all.

I was really worried about one of my new private classes with an adult student (it’s my first class done outside of an academy, so I want it to go well and possibly lead to more students), and though I had a directions snafu while finding his house (I left them at home!), the lesson went really well and I learned a lot about the student in just an hour and a half - he‘s a really careful learner, even meticulous. It was great because I think I identify a lot with this guy - his embarrassment is extreme when he makes a mistake, and I can see the wheels turning as he files the moment away so as not to repeat the error. I imagine that I have the exact same look on my face when I’m speaking Spanish. I want so hard to get it not just ok, but perfect! It will be interesting to teach a fellow perfectionist. I feel like I have more than just language teaching for this one - I also have a lot of advice (does that sound overbearing?).

It’s the end of the world in the movie now, everything’s frozen and it’s making me feel cold. And I’ve got to turn off my gas heater so I don’t die in my sleep. Suck, suck, suck.

Realizations and Resolutions

Lately I’ve had trouble sleeping. It started innocently enough, due to a series of ear/nose/throat infections that made it difficult to breathe, and thus to get my much-needed shut-eye. But the holidays this year brought more than the usual rest and relaxation for this TEFL teacher. My 2.5 weeks off gave my body plenty of time to repair and heal, but it’s as if all the physical symptoms of illness suddenly became psychosomatic and moved up into my brain. I’ve spent almost every night of this holiday season tossing and turning in bed, my mind filled with questions and uncertainties about the upcoming year and what it has in store for me.

Perhaps the most pressing of these questions and uncertainties for me is “Where will I be living next year? Still in Granada, or another city in Spain perhaps? Or am I finally ready to start a new chapter in Mexico and South America?” The answer to these question is rooted in other questions - the possibility of my TEFL academy getting me a work visa so that I can live in Spain/Europe legally and not have to pinch and save every dime for when I have health problems, or conversely, if they refuse to apply for my visa, will they give me a pay raise so that I can fund my healthcare on my own? In order to manage this “problem,” I’ve presented the idea to the owner of the academy, and time will tell what his decision is. There’s nothing more to do than to wait - easier said than done, of course.

Tied to the decision of what country to live in is the fact that now I’ve invested a huge percentage of myself in a romantic relationship with a European citizen. As to whether that will all end in tears and heartbreak, again, waiting is all I can do. Meanwhile, my doubts about the future hover over me like the storm clouds above Granada that never seem to go away. I find myself in moments of panic, without any explanation as to why I feel so anxious, and I’m beginning to “pull out” emotionally because I’m not sure what all my relationship efforts are worth if they won’t (geographically) withstand the test of time.

These are the two most important factors in my sleeplessness, and also in my relationship strife. Typically, I take these types of “mental crises” in stride, my ration combating with the dangerous emotional overflow that often comes in cycles for women. I use my scientist’s ability to reason, and I (over)analyze all the self-doubt and insecurity that drives me to sometimes make bad decisions in the heat of the moment with my partner. Trouble is, my partner has become my one and only confidant.

I know enough about myself from relationship experiences in the past to know that this is a pattern for me - if I’m content in a romantic relationship, most other friendships become less important to me and I start to put all of my eggs in one basket, so-to-speak. This is natural for me, but that’s not to say isn’t toxic at the same time (though I’ve read that this is ‘normal’ for a lot of people, the adage after all says, “DON‘T put all your eggs in one basket.”). Lately, I’ve noticed my partner’s face as I begin to think out loud, laying my troubles on the table, looking for empathy. I haven’t decided yet if the look on his face in these moments is one of confusion, frustration, or discomfort, but my guess is it’s a combination of the three, and when I see it I instantly feel nauseous. When I note this look, my instinct is to shut up and stop seeking his advice because I know he wants to run for the door, which then leaves me pent-up with emotional overflow that nevertheless will find some way to exert itself in our daily interactions with one another.

In recognizing how damaging it can be to rely on just one person for all your emotional needs, I’ve realized there’s only so much your partner can do for you. For me, this usually requires just an active ear and open mind, mainly to listen, and only to offer me advice when/if I ask for it. But the tendency when I start talking about my worries and insecurities is for my partner to try to solve whatever problems there may be by giving simple suggestions as to what I should do to manage them. Innocent enough intentions, of course, but something in me just boils over when I hear those words: “You should do X.” or “You need to Y.” I want to scream, “Of course I should do that! I’m not an idiot, I know how to take care of this stuff, I’m not asking you to fix it for me!” Truth is, there’s a very thin and delicate balance between offering suggestions to someone (what I don’t want at these times) and saying whatever needs to be said to calm my worries and make me realize I’m strong enough to overcome my problems (of which the exact words are often difficult to define, even for me). I think the distinction between these two is easier for women to discern, and I’m learning to be patient in these moments and realize that in those harmless suggestions my partner really is trying his best to be empathic - his intentions are good, so there’s really no need to get defensive. I think he’s learning too, in baby steps, how to be empathic without seeming domineering.

I don’t consider myself a particularly emotional, albeit sensitive, person, and in every problem I come up against I always look for the most rational solution possible. In the grand scheme of things, the main solution is to WAIT. And to manage all the secondary “seedling” problems, I need to nurture my friendships outside of my romantic relationship more. Obviously, it puts unnecessary and overwhelming pressure on a relationship if each person doesn’t have more than the one outlet for emotional sound-boarding. I’ve got to take initiative this year in picking up the phone, investing in more social activities despite the stress they might impose on my work life. After all, the main thing I embrace about my new life in Spain is the fact that life isn’t all “work, work, work.” People here know when to leave the job at the door and focus on what’s really important - the people in your life and the things you love to do. I guess the American in me still struggles with that, and probably always will.

So, while I don’t expect my insomnia to go away overnight, I’m hoping that in acknowledging some of the negative things I’ve been doing on “auto-pilot” in 2009, I can take action now to repair whatever damage they’ve caused and use new ambition to start making positive changes. Above all, I have to believe in me and in the probability that things will work out in the end. I’ve waited months and even years in the past for things that I wanted to happen; what’s another few?

That said, you can likely expect a call from me sooner or later - if you’re in the States, it’ll be to catch up, and if you’re in Spain, it’ll be to go for coffee or tapas one day soon. You’re all on my radar; I hope this resolution sticks.