Here Goes Nothing...or Something (maybe)

Well, folks, I officially have a job! Sortof - I got 4 hours/week teaching 1:1 to students prepping for Cambridge Exams. I am happy for a few reasons:

1) I HEART 1:1 teaching!;
2) yay! for income - ANY income; and
3) 1:1 teaching allows me to slowly test the teaching waters since I'm nervous as hell for some unexplainable reason (perhaps that it's been about 4 YEARS since I left the teaching world...hmmm).

That said, happiness aside, I am incredibly nervous about teaching Cambridge Exams. I have the teachers' handbook and several coursebooks to peruse tonight as I prepare for my first lesson (tomorrow at 9am - yikes!), but still I'm unofficially concerned b/c the TEFL course didn't really cover exam prep teaching. We talked about it maybe one day out of the whole course. This shouldn't make any difference, especially since tomorrow I'm working with a brand-new (adult) student who's never gone to this school before and who the school thinks is already at a pretty good English level. But still...my heart was pounding even as I walked down to the school to finalize my teaching schedule, it was hard to breathe as I was waiting in the lobby for the DOS to meet with me, and I think I may have dodged eye contact more than 5 times while he and I were talking.

I can't explain where the hell this anxiety is coming from. It's seriously mystifying me. I keep finding myself wishing there were another TEFL teacher that I knew who was just starting out, like me, and in whom I could confide and comiserate. There are, conversely, lots of TEFL teachers all around me in this town who are working full-time or have been at least established in this line of work for several years. It's stupid to compare myself to others in this way and is only increasing my level of anxiety, but I just can't help myself.

I'm sure that after tomorrow, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and actually get to celebrate my first official (non-English camp) teaching job since my certification, but at this point I can't think of anything except how the hell I'm going to fill an entire hour with this student tomorrow morning. I have to remember that 4 years ago I was teaching non-native English students to prepare for the GRE in the States, and what that was like (pretty easy, actually). This will be a different kind of teaching - more strategy-based lessons and working on how to anticipate the format and difficulty of the exam components (of which I currently know nothing!). Guess I'd better get to cracking these handbooks, eh?

Wish me luck, loves. I sure as hell feel like I need it.

The Pajarita Has Landed

(pajarita = female bird, for ya'll non-Spanish speakers...a.k.a. ME)

I'm here. I'm jet-lagged. I'm very tired and I have no idea how I'm still awake and kicking. The body is an incredible machine sometimes. I arrived here on time, somehow made it through the crowded-ass Metro to where I needed to be, stopped along the way for a backpack break (the thing weighs a TON) and a cigarette, then a Coke Zero at a McDonald's (shame on me...at least I didn't eat there!), and somehow magically oriented myself and found Lyosha's house - my first Madrid miracle! I always get lost in this city, but today luck was smiling on me. I don't think I'd have had the strength or patience to get lost with all my luggage. (by the way, Lyosha is the 'friend' of my friend, Lindy, who's so kindly letting me stay here tonight for FREE)

Good news is the weather is incredible here - it feels like the cold front that was blowing through New Orleans last week. I'm psyched to be back. I'll be even more psyched once I get some shut-eye, but I've got to last until Lindy gets off work at 10pm and we go out for drinksies and tapas (I hope). Then it's major crash time.

Oooh oooh, ALSO! Just got an email from another school in Granada and set up an interview for tomorrow - how's that for short-notice-perfect timing?! Wish me buena suerte.

The Countdown Begins...again

Well, it all worked out in the end - I'll have part-time work available to me in Granada when I get there, on September 25th. It's not perfect, but I'll take it if it means I get to live in Granada instead of Madrid. I hope there's still room for me at the Palace!

So begins the new countdown...one week to go in the States before my return. Lots to get done, lots of people to catch up with, lots to be anxious about. Let's hope the 2nd big adventure is as "successful" as the first.

Heavy with Regret

I generally refrain from outwardly expressing extreme emotion via blog, but I feel like such a complete and total idiot at this juncture that I am overwhelmed.

I got a job offer today for the most PERFECT job imaginable, only to find out classes start earlier than I will be in Spain, so it's likely that now they won't hire me. I tried to change my flight, but since I'd have to leave 3 days from now to get there in time, it would cost over $2,500 to make the change, which is just absolutely ri-fucking-diculous.

Why do I feel like an ass, you say? Of course it isn't my fault that classes start earlier and the DOS emailed me only 3 days ago to tell me this - how could I have known? Well, I feel like it's my fault because I was aware that classes in Spain generally start from mid-September to October, but I was greedy (and cheap) and wanted to spend as much time in the U.S. as I could (and also get the cheapest flight possible) before returning to Spain. I feel like some awful buildup of career karma is out to get me, but I can't for the life of me figure out what I did to deserve this agony of regret.

If this doesn't work out (and it's probably 90% sure that it won't, but I don't know until the DOS emails me back), I am devastated and totally freaked out about my future for the next year. Of the potential jobs there are available to me, anywhere in Spain, many of them will start classes on September 15th too, or at least want a face-to-face interview around that time, so because I'm not in Spain yet, I've lost all of those possibilites. With the chance of being hired already so low due to my non-EU status, I feel like all hope is lost, which makes me question why I am doing this in the first place, why I would just assume that things would work out no matter what when I don't have any rational proof to base it on.

So I guess the message for anyone who stumbles upon my blog and is also a beginner TEFL teacher in Spain, the moral of my story is GET TO SPAIN EARLY if you want to find a job, or you'll hate yourself later.

Gustav and Introspection

Well, putting Spain aside, though I'd liked to have done it as a personal choice, turned out to be a necessity as Hurricane Gustav came barrelling into the Gulf Coast. I am now writing on the 6th day after the storm, from a CC's coffee house that is one of the first to reopen since Baton Rouge has been without power (as of Monday...and counting). A whole week, including Labor Day weekend, has been wasted, and I don't have much to show for it since phones and internet have been out for the count. What great fortune I've had while I've been back (sarcasm abounds)! But I guess it's my own fault for scheduling my return to the States during hurricane season. I'll definitely keep this in mind next year.

Spending 6 days without electricity, though, has led me to a lot of introspection. In the midst of sweaty nights of barely no sleep and anxiety dreams about not finding work OR a place to live in Spain yet - when I now have less than 2 weeks to do so before I go back - and sweaty days worrying where all my friends and family are and cleaning up the mess the storm left behind, I was barely able to muster up a smile when the b/f looked over in my direction. But I now have had a few nights of a/c (a friend of the b/f here in BR now has power and is gracious enough to host us) and thus a few nights of good sleep, and I can feel my head beginning to clear as I sip my Louisiana Blend dark roast.

Interestingly, I was perusing said friend/host's bookshelf this morning and came across a book called "The Meaning of Mindfulness." I cracked it open and learned several new deep breathing and meditation techniques to help me practice mindfulness. I haven't had the chance to incorporate these into my yoga practice yet, but just being in the moment and practicing the breathing, I already feel more like myself. Today, I've realized that no matter where I am, if I can find myself in the moment and recognize the joy of just being alive, I can be happy and satisfied. I only wish I'd had this epiphany 5 days ago when I was ready to tear my hair out.

Also adding to my increasing happiness, I received an email from a school in Granada that I'd commit murder to get a job offer from. I'm supposed to call them on Monday, and we'll see where it leads, but I'm really thrilled just to have the potential of it working out. I can't get my hopes up, because I know the disappointment would be fatal (this job would be the most perfect job I could possibly imagine for myself - it's centrally located in Granada, I could live at Tina, cost of living is cheaper there, and the school has good connections with Via Lingua and a good reputation). The word "ideal" just doesn't cut it to describe this job.

Anyway, I've come to realize that there is a turning point during the TEFL job-search process when all the denials and rejection emails seem to dwindle down and you start to get some positive feedback. For me, this point usually results in utter disappointment and career disillusion just before the sudden surprise of a great job offer (or as was the case this summer, two job offers). Throughout all my job searching, I've probably sent about 150+ C.V.'s out into cyberspace, filling up the inboxes of every DOS in every major school in Madrid (and every other school in Spain which advertises on TEFL.com and Dave's ESL Cafe). For every 10 C.V.'s that I send out, I get an email from a really good school telling me, "Thank you for your application, but we just can't hire non-EU citizens." And my hopes and dreams fall into the pit of my stomach. This is a humbling, pride-swallowing process. What I've taken away from it all is that a little bit of hope gets you through it. And while I only have 6 months of experience in this to go on, I'm fairly confident that this is the common experience for most TEFL teachers in the world. I'm hoping that this time the utter disappointment in my usual pattern takes a detour and the great job offer supercedes it. And that's about all I can do (aside from continuing to to pummell those DOS's with my C.V.).

In other news, I've discovered some really helpful blogs out there for TEFL teachers in Spain (one in particular is written by an American TEFL teacher). Check out The Pain in Spain for a lot of great information about teaching English in Spain.

I'd upload photos/videos of the recent hurricane, but I don't have the patience. Maybe I should do some breathing exercises.