Heavy Heart

Since the beginning of February, I've been waking up and feeling the need to scream. Or jump up and down. But mostly, I just want to scream for a solid five minutes or so. Last night, this urge came as I tried to go to sleep. This is a new phenomenon for me.

Generally, before a big trip or life-changing event, I'm cool as a cucumber and don't much notice the impending chaos hanging over me. The feeling will hit me a few days, maybe a week afterwards, and then I go into a state of shock and awe. The first night of my studies abroad trip in Mexico, everyone was pissed at me because not only was I snoring for a solid three hours, but I was the only one who in my casita of six ladies could come close to shutting her eyes the entire night. Everyone else was too excited, but I was like, "Whatever, I'm here now and it's midnight. I'll be excited tomorrow."

I guess karma is a bitch because, if last night's dream is any indication of what the upcoming month holds for me, this trip promises to deplete me of all genuine sleep and drive me into jetlag before I even get to the airport. I dreamt last night that I could see my actual heart in my chest, and it was looking at me very sadly even though it didn't have any eyes. I kept telling it, "I'll go running tomorrow if you want me to! I'll stop smoking! You poor thing." And then it started heaving like it was crying, so then I started crying and told it I wished I could hug it. It said to me haughtily, without words, "Don't worry. Your shoddy ribcage is doing a fine job." I was snubbed by my own heart.

There are reasons for this dream, beyond general travel and/or health anxiety. Since Mardi Gras has now passed, I feel like I have way to much shit to handle and too little time to do it in. Realistically, due to my good planning over the months, I have the perfect amount of stuff to do and a decent amount of time to do it in. But that's all stuff I have to do, not really the stuff I want to do, like hang out with all my friends and go out to eat at all the places I'll miss when I'm gone and visit with my family. Consequently, I'm feeling kindof lonely I guess.

Also, it's only natural for me to feel a bit self-centered at a time like this, but I've found myself a bit pissy about the fact that nobody is trying to make time to see me as much as they can before I go. I mean, hello?! Bon voyage party, anyone?!? The only person who's talked about such a thing is my mawmaw, and (sorry) I can only get so excited about that . Add to that the fact that everybody bailed on my birthday dinner last year, so with the upcoming birthday, the looming potential of a repeat offense has me feeling a little pre-dejected. I'm doing that silly thing that all women do, where they know what they want but they get pissed that no one else just knows and gives it to them. I'll say it: I'm pissy about having to organize my own goddamn going-away/birthday party. I mean, having to organize it and plan your own "party" - which I do every year for my birthday, embracing the philosophy of "if you want it done right, do it yourself" - is always somewhat off-putting. But what do you do, right? It's not every day that ppl read your mind and think, "Ah! I bet Stevie wants to be surprised by a big dinner party with all the people that she loves before she goes! Let's do it." Sigh. I'm Veruca Salt, aren't I?

So anyway, I realize how silly these feelings are and that they are likely a natural part of the process of big change, and I just need to get over my little female hissy fit and suck it up, be appreciative of the things I have and not the things I might not get. I think for my own sake I have to just put all of the emotional stuff out of my head and focus on the tangible things I need to get done before I leave. Everything else will come as it does.

Sheesh. Can you tell I'm freaking out?!? I'm seriously going to go to the park soon and just scream as long as I can. I have to find some place where that won't attract a lot of attention though. Anybody got a sound-proof room I can borrow??

Lacking Inspiration

It's 9:30 in the morning on a Tuesday, and I'm here at work and have gotten absolutely nothing done. I have to be honest about that at this juncture - I really find it difficult to give a damn about the job I am doing here, because it won't really matter once I leave in March. It's tough for me to acknowledge this. I need this job to get me through to March, to allow me to save enough money to get there. So you'd think I could muster up a little bit of determination to get things done around here. Yet it feels so meaningless to be doing a job just for the money, and it's odd that this is a job I once cared a good deal about.

This morning, I read my friend Ann's blog for a little bit, and I read one poingnant story about how she was frustrated and felt isolated and broken there in Granada. And I'm thinking about how all the sad stuff she sometimes writes about her time in Spain will hopefully allow me in some way to pull the determined adventurer out of my heart and to be absolutely sure that I have a thick skin when I leave for Spain in March. But in all honesty, hearing stories like that...albeit good for me in the sense that they prepare me for any false expectations...is very frightening and humbling. Fear and humility being emotions that already come naturally to me, I'm not sure what to think. I've said this to several of my friends already, but lately I'm trying to balance my preparations for Spain with as realistic as possible a view of what I'm preparing myself for.

My fear and anxiety are mixing with my excitement, and I have to assume that's a natural thing at this point. But it's funny how alone I already feel in this whole experience. No one in my life really knows what this is like. Not even those closest to me.

Pregnant Dream

It felt like I was dreaming the entire night, but I bet it was just for an hour or so because not much really happened, action-wise.

I'm hanging out with my friend Matt somewhere, when all of a sudden I get these strange stomach pains and tell him we'd better head to the hospital now. It is at this point that I notice I have a 9-months pregnant belly in front of me, the cause of said "stomach" pain. I call my mother while we are driving to the hospital and ask her, when you start to go into labor, if it's your actual vagina that hurts or just your general stomach area. She assures me it's the vagina, so I stop worrying a little.

We get to the hospital, and I have to wait out in this long corridor on a stretcher until I'm either ready to have the baby or until we realize it's a false alarm. I reach down and touch my big belly and feel a solid hard mass inside of it that is not a part of my own body (this was the weirdest part...very vivid). I think to myself as I touch it that this hard mass is going to become a little person. I try to rouse myself with some semblance of excitement about this fact, but at the time it just makes me feel tired and a bit confused.

I have the understanding this entire time that Matt is not the father of this child, and neither is any other male I know. The father isn't really in question, it is just sortof accepted that I am doing this alone (key word here, m'dears).

So then my girl friends, Laura and Audra, show up to say "hey," and they don't ask how I'm feeling or anything at all about my impending labor and child bearing situation. They talk about shopping and random little stories of things that had happened recently, and then say they have to go meet someone for something. This upsets me greatly and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I'm all alone, no one cares about what's going on in my life and I feel completely left out because of this stomach mass that I feel completely unattached to. I try again to feel communion with the mass; no such luck.

So then Ian shows up, and he's got the same lackadaisical attitude about my whole situation, and I cry to him about the girls while he treats me in a patronizing way and keeps looking at the nurses to help him or something.

Then my alarm goes off.

SO, analyzing the above dream brings me to several (possible) conclusions:
1) I am "pregnant" with some sort of emotion and feeling disconnected as a result of it;
2) This emotion is most likely my impending move to Spain and my anxieties and doubts about it;
3) I am having trust issues with my girl friends; and
4) My b/f does not understand me emotionally.

Pretty clean-cut, if you ask me. And I didn't even need a 3rd party to figure it out! I guess I have some issues to work on in the next few months (as if I don't already have TONS to get done by March 2008).