Sweet Relief

I did it. It's over. It was pretty much painless, but my hands are still shaking. I've really got to get a hold on this anxiety business. I was taking deep breaths all morning to prepare myself for what I had to do.

The boss was (of course) kind and understanding, saying he understands what an opportunity this is and that I have to take it. He was visibly nervous. I think he was worried that I was putting in my two-weeks' notice, which would mean that he would be up shit creek during the upcoming trial. So, there was relief in his eyes that he has me until March, and this eases my mind.

I even told two of my co-workers. They were really excited for me. It's really happening now. Officially. Oh...my...GAWD.

Lacking Inspiration

It's 9:30 in the morning on a Tuesday, and I'm here at work and have gotten absolutely nothing done. I have to be honest about that at this juncture - I really find it difficult to give a damn about the job I am doing here, because it won't really matter once I leave in March. It's tough for me to acknowledge this. I need this job to get me through to March, to allow me to save enough money to get there. So you'd think I could muster up a little bit of determination to get things done around here. Yet it feels so meaningless to be doing a job just for the money, and it's odd that this is a job I once cared a good deal about.

This morning, I read my friend Ann's blog for a little bit, and I read one poingnant story about how she was frustrated and felt isolated and broken there in Granada. And I'm thinking about how all the sad stuff she sometimes writes about her time in Spain will hopefully allow me in some way to pull the determined adventurer out of my heart and to be absolutely sure that I have a thick skin when I leave for Spain in March. But in all honesty, hearing stories like that...albeit good for me in the sense that they prepare me for any false expectations...is very frightening and humbling. Fear and humility being emotions that already come naturally to me, I'm not sure what to think. I've said this to several of my friends already, but lately I'm trying to balance my preparations for Spain with as realistic as possible a view of what I'm preparing myself for.

My fear and anxiety are mixing with my excitement, and I have to assume that's a natural thing at this point. But it's funny how alone I already feel in this whole experience. No one in my life really knows what this is like. Not even those closest to me.