I want to die

Seriously - this makes it twice this year that I've gotten sick with the same infection - or with what seems to be the same infection. The only difference is that this time I have to work through it and actually leave not only my bed but the house - a very challenging endeavor, indeed, when your whole body writhes in pain and anguish from just thinking about moving and every hour you experience a change in body temperature so severe it sends you either running for more clothes or conversely tearing the clothing from your limbs. Top it off with an achingly sore throat, a cough that would convince passersby that I am a 90-yr old man with emphysema, a congested and runny nose, and now expactorations of a bloody nature (sorry to gross you out, sickness is ugly)...well, I'm have a marvelous time, don't you think?

I was thinking this morning about health. I thought about how this sickness, which I've endured now for almost a full week, could have been much less painful if I had just gone to the doctor at the first signs of illness. So, then I have to consider why I didn't go to the doctor, and why I rarely go to the doctor when I'm ill? Granted, it's rare that I experience illness this severe, esp. two times in the same year, but I think my personal reasons may be two-fold: one, the fact that in America, if you are there without insurance, people will either scoff at you and turn you away, or treat you and send you the astronomical bill. I've always figured a few packs of Tylenol Flu is way cheaper and less embarrassing than having to deal with the humiliation of the American Health System; and two, my mother never took me to the doctor. I remember this one time, when I was sick with what the doctor later said was "the REAL flu," I laid on the couch for 2 FULL WEEKS before the woman took me to a doctor. By that point, not only had I missed a multitude of exams and homework, social club meetings and school what-have-yous, but I had fever blisters inside of my mouth, on my tongue, down my throat, in my nasal passages, in my tear ducts - basically, all nervous tissue in my body had been scorched by the ridiculous fever I'd endured for 2 weeks. When I finally went to the doctor, when my mother relented because she was afraid I had mono, I got some meds and was better in 2 days. I went back to school with scabs from all the blisters all over my face, eyes, and mouth, and everyone asked if I'd gotten beat up. "Nope, my mom is just cheap."

Anyway, I think I've inherited this awful trait of hers, and it occurred to me while being miserable this morning that, even though I don't have insurance here in Spain, most of the uninsured travelers I've spoken to have been treated by doctors and/or hospitals here, and some of them for FREE. Maybe I should head on down to the hospital?? It's certainly a thought. I can't take much more of this.