Heavy Heart

Since the beginning of February, I've been waking up and feeling the need to scream. Or jump up and down. But mostly, I just want to scream for a solid five minutes or so. Last night, this urge came as I tried to go to sleep. This is a new phenomenon for me.

Generally, before a big trip or life-changing event, I'm cool as a cucumber and don't much notice the impending chaos hanging over me. The feeling will hit me a few days, maybe a week afterwards, and then I go into a state of shock and awe. The first night of my studies abroad trip in Mexico, everyone was pissed at me because not only was I snoring for a solid three hours, but I was the only one who in my casita of six ladies could come close to shutting her eyes the entire night. Everyone else was too excited, but I was like, "Whatever, I'm here now and it's midnight. I'll be excited tomorrow."

I guess karma is a bitch because, if last night's dream is any indication of what the upcoming month holds for me, this trip promises to deplete me of all genuine sleep and drive me into jetlag before I even get to the airport. I dreamt last night that I could see my actual heart in my chest, and it was looking at me very sadly even though it didn't have any eyes. I kept telling it, "I'll go running tomorrow if you want me to! I'll stop smoking! You poor thing." And then it started heaving like it was crying, so then I started crying and told it I wished I could hug it. It said to me haughtily, without words, "Don't worry. Your shoddy ribcage is doing a fine job." I was snubbed by my own heart.

There are reasons for this dream, beyond general travel and/or health anxiety. Since Mardi Gras has now passed, I feel like I have way to much shit to handle and too little time to do it in. Realistically, due to my good planning over the months, I have the perfect amount of stuff to do and a decent amount of time to do it in. But that's all stuff I have to do, not really the stuff I want to do, like hang out with all my friends and go out to eat at all the places I'll miss when I'm gone and visit with my family. Consequently, I'm feeling kindof lonely I guess.

Also, it's only natural for me to feel a bit self-centered at a time like this, but I've found myself a bit pissy about the fact that nobody is trying to make time to see me as much as they can before I go. I mean, hello?! Bon voyage party, anyone?!? The only person who's talked about such a thing is my mawmaw, and (sorry) I can only get so excited about that . Add to that the fact that everybody bailed on my birthday dinner last year, so with the upcoming birthday, the looming potential of a repeat offense has me feeling a little pre-dejected. I'm doing that silly thing that all women do, where they know what they want but they get pissed that no one else just knows and gives it to them. I'll say it: I'm pissy about having to organize my own goddamn going-away/birthday party. I mean, having to organize it and plan your own "party" - which I do every year for my birthday, embracing the philosophy of "if you want it done right, do it yourself" - is always somewhat off-putting. But what do you do, right? It's not every day that ppl read your mind and think, "Ah! I bet Stevie wants to be surprised by a big dinner party with all the people that she loves before she goes! Let's do it." Sigh. I'm Veruca Salt, aren't I?

So anyway, I realize how silly these feelings are and that they are likely a natural part of the process of big change, and I just need to get over my little female hissy fit and suck it up, be appreciative of the things I have and not the things I might not get. I think for my own sake I have to just put all of the emotional stuff out of my head and focus on the tangible things I need to get done before I leave. Everything else will come as it does.

Sheesh. Can you tell I'm freaking out?!? I'm seriously going to go to the park soon and just scream as long as I can. I have to find some place where that won't attract a lot of attention though. Anybody got a sound-proof room I can borrow??